ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
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