he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
