Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
