he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
