Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
