She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
