she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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