Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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