The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
