i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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