there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
