So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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