Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Randomize