I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
