you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
