So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
