You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
