yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
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