my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
