A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize