her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Randomize
