We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
