so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
