It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I cut my penus on the lid.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
