i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
