So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
