ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize