So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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