That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
