What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Randomize
