New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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