Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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