I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
