Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize