You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
