every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Randomize
