I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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