If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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