John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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