but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
