Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
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