Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
