A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
