It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
