i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
