Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Randomize
