Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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