So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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