i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
