i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize