If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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