I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Randomize