the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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