I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
