You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
