My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
