I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
You ruined the universe
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
