watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize