Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
