He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I use my feet as sexual weapons
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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