I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
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