And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Randomize
