Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize